For days now I have been trying to convince myself this is all just a bad dream that will go away sooner or later.
That one morning I will wake up and everything is ok again, no worries, no stress, no fear of what lies ahead...
Just a simple boring day to look forward to rather than to dread.
But sooner never comes and later seems to stretch on before me like a vast yet empty eternity .
And every morning, waking up seems even more traumatic than it was yesterday.
This is when I realize, no....
It's not ok. And sleeping at night is not a remedy but a mere breather... a few hours of escapism.
Praying doesn't help, lately. Aside from the fact that those prayers seem to go unheard and thus, unaswered, it gives me an uneasy feeling... maybe of guilt due to the fact that I am well aware that I only usually turn to prayer when things go wrong...having this annoying human habit of forgetting the rest and being lax on calmer days.
Praying doesn't help because I couldn't seem to put my heart into it. I couldn't seem to mean the words. Not because I don't want to but because it somehow seems unfair to God...you know, broken promises...even if I didn't mean to break them... unkept words seems equivalent to a lie.
This state of persistent depression is eating me alive, taking precious years out of me and making me a miserable whiny creature. It doesn't help, listening to motivational songs or reading inspirational quotes...or watching funny movies to cheer me up. The words "don't give up...you can do it." irritates me rather than make me feel confident. It only makes me feel like somebody is pulling my leg.
We all know I bloody can't do it. That's why I'm in this effing mess in the first place.
How I wish things will turn out ok...
They say no obstacle is ever given to someone who doesn't have the capacity to overcome it.
Tell that to an innocent man convicted to a deathrow and he will happily commit murder this time. At least he would've died with a valid, acceptable reason.
To you, author of my life, I am begging once again...