Saturday, 21 May 2011

Tawanan ang problema --- mY ass!

   Tawanan ang problema?
 Whoever invented that shit definitely has loose wirings in his brain.

Laughing it off doesn't solve it and neither does it make you feel better. It does nothing but makes you look like you're losing your some crazy old clown, all made-up he doesn't even look like himself anymore, all smiley-faced running around carrying an illusion that everything's great and rainbow-colored but when the show ends all that's left is a tired soul and a hollow laugh echoing through a theatre as empty as his heart...

It's sad and creepy at the same time, like some ageless old porcelain doll in a corner of an abandoned antique house.

On second thought...

It's just plain creepy.

Oh, was supposed to be 

the Day of the End the World.

Now that's funny. 

Friday, 20 May 2011

Missing the old you...

Sometimes I can't keep up with how much you're changing and it feels like at the start we were both swimming together 
and then after sometime I suddenly get left behind because you swim so fast... 
Isn't this supposed to be a team? 
Sometimes it seems like you forget I'm here too...T_T

I miss the old you...

New Dawn of the Elven Kings

Ride fast and swift, oh fearless phantom,
Ride as reckless and free as the wind,
Rejoice, fallen Earth, for the tidings
Nectar- sweet that this messenger brings!

Ride fast and swift, oh restless warrior,
Mind not that those hidden ears may hear.
May your voice be heard on all corners
Of the earth, up above, or under.

“Hail! The Elven Kings have now risen
From so deep and yet troubled slumber
Hail! The Elven Kings shall ride once more,
Mending the Earth their young brothers tore…

They bring back the Wind with soft whisper…
A single caress, sweet and tender
heals wounds Mother Earth had to suffer
from those who have lusted after her.

The Elven Kings ride for new battle
Armed with songs of undiluted joy,
Clothed in pure white threads, and no armor
but love from Mother Earth’s sweet bosom.

New flowers bloom as their naked feet
Kiss the soil that has once been fertile,
A gentle song, her own lullaby,
Slowly unearths her forgotten smile.”


Ride fast and ride swift, oh blessed soul,
Waste not a single moment on woe...
The Earth is dying, she needs to hear
Songs of the first-borns she holds most dear.

Monday, 16 May 2011


sometimes the way home takes so long

sometimes i get so tired and exhausted
as soon as i opened the door, i fall asleep
and when i wake up no one is there

when i lay my body in the small bathtub
a small snail comes to me
with his small voice, he whispered to me

*that someday when that day comes
i will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
no one saw it but
i will follow the waves that i can hear in my head
i want to go forever

on the road filled with cars
in as small corner store
i headed out on the street
with a pack of cigarettes and a melting ice cream bar

the sun is up high, shining on me
when small snail suddenly comes to me
and greets me
and sings for me quietly

*that someday when that day comes
i will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
no one saw it but
i will follow the waves that i can hear in my head
i want to go forever

i gave up my everything but
now everything is fading away like smoke
with my remaining strength
to finally satisfy and get rid of my dreams
to forget everything(2x) i will cross the sea


Sung by my favorite singer Kyuhyun Cho of Super Junior.  Original song by Panic. I like Kyu's version better, though. His voice is so relaxing and angelic it just soothes my tired soul... I can listen to it for hours and will still want more... If only I can choose a background music and songs on my everyday life, I'd probably choose Kyuhyun to be the singer. ^__^ 
a small snail comes to me
with his small voice, he whispered to me

*that someday when that day comes
i will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world

Saturday, 14 May 2011

certified right-brained

Hmmm.... yesterday (or maybe the day before that..? pasensya na po, ang hirap  talaga ng tumatanda, nagiging  ulyanin bigla) I took this test called "which part of your brain works? Left or right?" I took the test not because of any particular reason but out of mere boredom and a senseless surfing around the net. I saw this advertisement on one site with an image of a girl turning around with a question "which way do you see her turn?"

I'm like...duh??? everyone can see its moving clockwise. Then as I was about to close the window, I stopped short because just for a single sec I thought the movement became counter clockwise! 

And I was like...
"Wait....Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" (imitating Dru's Despicable Me's yellow minion)
So I took the bloody test para di ako mapraning kaiisip. 
To cut the long story short, it turned out I was right the first time. My eyes weren't playing tricks on me...

Because I am now a test-proven right-brained twit. (If I was left-brained, I probably wouldn't have taken the effing test in the first place!) 

Anyhoo, thanks to this site ( I now understand a bit more about myself. It may not be a very acurate description (and probably will make my husband roll his eyes again due to lack of scientific basis or proofs...) but to be aware of which part of your brain is dominant...well, it was kind'a.... fun.... Yeah...because now I know I should be more careful, for example, of right-brained twits like me are very much prone to be victims of it.

Here's the description about right-brained folks such as myself.
I ain't posting the result for left-brain dominant since its kinda obvious its the opposite... (all credits go to the owner of the site mentioned above, except of course for my comments that are written in italic)...

THE RIGHT SIDE: When a person is Right Brain Dominant, they are thought of as the dreamers, the artists, and the musicians of the world. Just because they are not as good with numbers and remembering facts does not mean that they are "dumber" than a left brain person. They just have their strength in different areas. They do have similar characteristics and they tend to hold similar occupations.
Above are just a few things associated with the right cerebral hemisphere of the brain. People who are right brain dominant are usually good with these things. Here is some more characteristics of a right-brained person:

  • Can be hypnotized (lagot! ayayayayay! buti na lang left-brained asawa ko! Mahaaaaaaal!!!)
  • Prefer rock music (Hmmm...yeah, sometimes...depends though...)
  • Right brain controls left side of body (HUH?! does this mean my only functioning part of my brain is damaged? coz all my ruined parts of the body is on the left side... oh dear!)
  • Prefer visual instructions with examples (True story. That's the best way to trigger my memory. Gawd, this test result kinda makes me feel like the village idiot....tsk!)
  • Good at sports ( least I used to health ain't too good nowadays...another proof of my not-so-healthy brain? Oh even my sportslife is suffering...naks! Yabang! LOL!)
  • Good at art (Huh...maybe...dipende sa mood ko..dipende sa material availability...)
  • Follow Eastern thought* (This makes it looks like Eastern doctors are tsismoso (loves to gossip) while western ones are robots)
  • Cat lovers (hmm...pwede rin...they're cute.)
  • Enjoy clowning around (still depends on the mood, though...) 
  • Like to read fantasy and mystery stories (who doesn't???)
  • Can listen to music or TV while studying (Multi-tasking??? NO! I mean, I can, literally... yes, but I won't understand an effing thing on what I'm supposed to be studying...)
  • Like to write fiction (PRESEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!! Proud to be bird-brained...este right-brained pala.. on this one....) 
  • Prefer group (Lately NO. Nakakahawa ba ang pagiging left-brained? Allergic ako lately sa madaming tao...nahawa yata ako ng rabis at solitary wolf tendencies ng asawa ko hahahahahah!)
  • Fun to dream about things that will probably never happen (YES. I'm still a child at heart, after all.)
  • Enjoy making up own drawings and images (Duh?! Artistic nga eh...)
  • Good at geometry (Nope...not really.)
  • Like organizing things to show relation. (yeah??? yeah...I guess...)
  • Can memorize music (hmmm...if I'm interested. Lately my memory space available is like = 0 )
  • Occasionally absentminded (Occasionally? It's a bit more....more than that.)
  • Like to act out stories (If it's interesting....)
  • Enjoy interacting affectively with others (Used to....)
  • Think better when lying down (??? I need further explanation for this one....)
  • Become restless during long verbal explanations. (So true...) 
  • Enjoy creative storytelling (Yes...)
  • Prefer to learn through free exploration (I think so...)
  • Good at recalling spatial imagery (Huh????)
  • Read for main details (Again...huh???!)
  • Skilled in showing relationships between ideas (...and again...huh????!!!)
  • Preference for summarizing over outlining 
  • (for the nth time... HUH???!!!)
  • Solve problems intuitively (yeah, I do that...)
  • Very Spontaneous and unpredictable (ahahahahah, yeah I am that too.)
  • philosophical (eh???)   
  • Dreamer (Huh. As if I didn't know that....)                                                                                                                                      
*Eastern and Western thought: A doctor in an a country like China would first ask a person how they are doing and what else is going on in their life before they give them medicine. A doctor in North America would just ask them what their symptons were and then give them medicine.Below is a list of occupations held by USUALLY held by a right-brained person. (There are always exceptions.)
  • Forest ranger
  • Wildlife manager
  • Beautician
  • Politician
  • Athlete
  • Artist
  • Craftsman
  • Actor/Actress
Hmmm...take note: politicians are right-brained too....I have my own theory why but I'd keep it to myself to avoid writing another never ending lament fest. And the fact that my opinion could be misunderstood, with the risk of hurting/offending other freaks' feelings or whatsover.. is not really in my agenda for today... maybe some other time...when I can already afford to be reckless and tackless.

Anyway, pahabol lang...walang kinalaman 'to sa topic pero...indulge me...

<3 <3 <3

Tuesday, 10 May 2011



I'm done. 

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

(Personal prayer: Lord, I'm thankful for the experience, be them good or bad. Lately there has been a bit too much of the bad parts though, and even though I know I am not yet able to see the silver lining, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Now I am asking for help as, proven without any doubt, I cannot do this alone. I need you to carry me, Lord. This battle has weakened me so and the wounds are taking too long to heal. Lord, this song is for you. I'm.... TRADING MY SORROWS.


I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying them down

For the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying them down

For the joy of the Lord

We Say

Yes Lord yes Lord

Yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord

Yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord

Yes yes Lord Amen

I am pressed but not crushed

Persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse

For his promise will endure

That his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning!

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

trip ko 'to...

Kanya-kanyang trip lang 'yan, sabi nga ni Tripster. Lately, ito ang trip ko: 

Manood at magdownload ng mga worship songs from youtube. 
Trip ko 'to. Walang basagan ng trip! BAWAL!

Anyway, etong grupo called HILLSONG.. I love their songs and my favorite is this one on top... entitled "Here I am to worship..." Maganda ang tune, maganda ang message, I totally love the melody and the lyrics is good. It's actually so relaxing seeing all those people during their concerts, even young people, really getting immersed in their music and worship...swaying with the crowd, completely relaxed and peaceful, judging by the look on their faces. Parang ansarap makisali para naman mapayapa rin ang kaluluwa ko, even for a few moments... I'm actually serious and I rarely am...
Oh well... watching them brings me nostalgia of my childhood. 
Sa maniwala kasi kayo o hinde, this foul-mouthed, evil-minded, lust-ridden bitch actually grew up in church. When I was a little girl I was really used to being tagged along 3 different churches and masses a day on sundays or during Simbang Gabi novena. That's mainly because my dad has long since been an active member of the church, and he usually stays with the choir group... I tagged along. Mostly to get free breakfast or meryenda sa mga simbahan o bahay bahay na nagpapakain...(Believe it or not I started gatecrashing at such a tender age...) 

I also took advantage of the fact that I was cute and bubbly when I was a little girl so people tended to be fond of me and gave me lots of chocolates and candies and yeah, junkfoods too...Unfortunately time took charge (From this <------    to that   ------>) and now I'm simply sexy and pretty...hehehe! The baby is now a...I can't say lady, it just doesn't fit and it only sounds like blasphemy... Hmm... Ok. The baby is now a geisha. O, di ba?  
PWEDE!!! LOL!!! 

Nawawala na naman ako sa tema...kaya siguro lagi akong napapagalitan ng teacher pagdating sa pagsusulat. Kalat-kalat kasi ang utak ko...nakakalimutan kong mag-stick sa real topic. 
Pano gagawin ko weh may problema ata sa wiring ang utak ko. Minsan may light bulb ng genius...kadalasan low-batt kundi man totally black-out... or usually pupundat-pundat, masahol pa sa napupunding pwet ng alitaptap... speaking of which, by the way, has a very nice legend...^_^

Holy pwet! ayan na naman...naligaw na naman po ako ng landas! Kahit kelan talaga, magulo pa sa pubic hair ang gray material ko! My mom probably dropped me a lot when I was little...Oh yeah, I forgot, she wasn't around 'coz she came to work here in Italy when I was barely two years old..maybe less. So the culprit is actually my dad... but he wasn't around much either, he was busy with church.
Hmmm...that's probably the reason why I have such a troubled brain. 
No one was there to catch me whenever I fall... 
Oh well, big deal. I have my Winsly now. *big happy smile* 

Hay naku...ang topic ko lang naman talaga for today eh i-promote ang paborito kong kanta ng Hillsong na "Here I am to worship"... napunta na ko sa alamat ng alitaptap at iba pa! 

Note to self: 
"Gabi na, ineng, matulog ka na... wag mo nang i-edit itong entry na 'to, wala namang mag-ge-grade sa'yo... ok lang 'yan kahit mali-mali spelling o pang-kinder garten ang grammar... who cares?! Everybody makes mistakes... Ok lang 'yan. Ganyan talaga ang buhay... "

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Bubbles & Dreams

This was me yesterday, literally under a mountain-like pile of dirty laundry that badly needed to be done.
I haven't done it for like two weeks because I was sick and now I have to pay the price.
Plus I didn't have any clothes to wear at work anymore so there really wasn't any choice.
I usually go to public laundry rooms because it's just insane keeping a washing machine at home, specially after the arrival of a water bill worth € 400,00.
Oh, I closed the water supply the moment I saw that bloody bill.
Living in Italy has now finally become some sort of a suicide mission.

Anyway, while doing the laundry, I couldn't help but be hypnotized by the washing machine's movement. It's just so relaxing ... with the humming sound and the continuous cycle...and the bubbles...

I almost fell asleep right there and then...
For once I was really grateful for a noisy passerby screaming blasphemy on her phone, all directed to a probably equally pissed husband or boyfriend who was being called "idiota testa di cazzo".
It remains a mystery to me how two human beings who'd say those things to each other could stomach spending their lives together.
Another proof of humanity's insanity?

So I was drastically pulled back into awareness and I kept staring at those lovely bubbles. As usual, due to my innate gift of a chaotic internal chatter, ramdom thoughts continue to float around me. Most of the times useless things, once or twice, a flash of genius...which probably is a proof of my personal insanity.
But then again, we are all insane. It just differs depending on who's in front of you who will judge just how much of a nutcase you are.

Blowing bubbles...
I remember how much I love that game when I was a little girl...

We'd use gumamela flower petals and leaves to make decent bubbles. It was probably nothing but childish myth because we also added detergent to the bloody mess of the poor hibiscus plant.
Now I realize how much pain and loss we could've spared that poor plant. LOL!

So, like a completely hypnotized idiot, I continued to observe the bubbles inside the machine that kept spinning and spinning right in front of my eyes, like a master magician.
I watch with interest as I see the lovely bubbles slowly disappear as the next spin began to rinse the clothes inside.


Colorful but fragile...

Beautiful yet too delicate...

Dreams are really like bubbles, I decided drowsily.

There are usually a lot of them... as we all have many dreams..linked all together... in various shapes and sizes... with those lovely rainbow colours. Many of them disappear too quickly...others are made of stronger detergents and they last longer. (Wow, this sounds like a detergent promotion! Lmao!)

But they are all pretty...
Like dreams...

Bubbles are like dreams too...
Like our dreams that magically spring out of nothing and from unexpected things, bubbles start with the blowing of the wind during the most delicate moment of our lives.
They start from childhood...children's dreams are precious because they take us to where we woould be as grown ups...

Colorful and pretty...
It makes us dance around in glee, forever trying to catch it, only to lose it the moment our palms close around it.

Bubbles and dreams...
Enchanting and almost magical in their consistency.

Despite their wonderful nature though, they are fragile...yes, too delicate...
Both may turn into nothing with one small mistake...

Even the slightest touch...
Sometimes not even resisting the almost unnoticeable and painfully slow dance of time...
And so to keep those bubbles around, we have to keep blowing... so that even if the old ones explode and disappear, there would still be others to replace them, keeping the dream alive.

Maybe that's why so many grown ups walk around with tired, empty look in their eyes and their heads bowed. It takes a hell lot of strong will to keep the dream keep the bubbles from turning into nothing. Others, hindered by so many things and circumstances, prick their bubbles themselves and throw away their dreams.

Because nothing is sure in this world.
Because to keep on blowing may cost a hell lot than what their dream is worth...
Or perhaps...because it's easier, you know...just letting go.

Life is easier when you have nothing to lose.
You have nothing to lose when you're not holding on to something so important..

But is that really the answer? The fact that you have nothing to lose...does that guarantee a better existence? Does it make you happy?
They say the the perfect fighter..worst someone who has nothing to lose. Because he will be able to concentrate perfectly, no distractions or worries. Nothing to lose.

But to say this is to completely deny human nature.
Because human nature, despite its many flaws, can offer so much more than mere perfection.
This is God's special gift to us.
This is what makes us different from angels: Our free will.
The ability of mankind to go beyond its own limits.
To grow...
To give...not just a hundred percent, but more.
This happens when the very heart of a human soul is triggered by something.
Like the need and desire to protect and defend the very reason of its existence.
A loved one.

Bubbles and dreams...
Both beautiful and elusive.
Like a will'o-wisp...

I usually dream of bubbles.
And those bubbles are so like my dreams...
I always run after it...chasing it like a carefree child.. In the end, though, I'm afraid to finally grasp it for the fear of touching the bubble and seeing it disappear.
For bubbles have this sort of dream-like quality.
And dreams are so very much like bubbles...

Friday, 29 April 2011

Missing You...

More than words can ever say..
More than my simple words can ever express...
each moment spent away from you
is a torture of the worst kind...

Ahh, dearly beloved, I miss you so much.

I yearn for your every touch,
your most delicate embrace.
For your lips on mine, 
is sweeter than spring's most devoted kiss.

Oh, my heart's desire, you are so much missed.

My soul awaits for you, weary but no longer searching...
as I have already found you.
My lover, my husband, 
and my most treasured friend...

Dearly beloved... you are truly missed.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011


For days now I have been trying to convince myself this is all just a bad dream that will go away sooner or later.
That one morning I will wake up and everything is ok again, no worries, no stress, no fear of what lies ahead...
Just a simple boring day to look forward to rather than to dread.
But sooner never comes and later seems to stretch on before me like a vast yet empty eternity .
And every morning, waking up seems even more traumatic than it was yesterday.

This is when I realize, no....
It's not ok. And sleeping at night is not a remedy but  a mere breather... a few hours of escapism.

Praying doesn't help, lately. Aside from the fact that those prayers seem to go unheard and thus, unaswered, it gives me an uneasy feeling... maybe of guilt due to the fact that I am well aware that I only usually turn to prayer when things go wrong...having this annoying human habit of forgetting the rest and being lax on calmer days.

Praying doesn't help because I couldn't seem to put my heart into it. I couldn't seem to mean the words. Not because I don't want to but because it somehow seems unfair to know, broken promises...even if I didn't mean to break them... unkept words seems equivalent to a lie.

This state of persistent depression is eating me alive, taking precious years out of me and making me a miserable whiny creature. It doesn't help, listening to motivational songs or reading inspirational quotes...or watching funny movies to cheer me up. The words "don't give can do it." irritates me rather than make me feel confident. It only makes me feel like somebody is pulling my leg.

We all  know I bloody can't do it. That's why I'm in this effing mess in the first place.

How I wish things will turn out ok...

They say no obstacle is ever given to someone who doesn't have the capacity to overcome it.


Tell that to an  innocent man convicted to a deathrow and he will happily commit murder this time. At least he would've died with a valid, acceptable reason.

To you, author of my life, I am begging once again...


Monday, 25 April 2011

my atheist of a husband

I would like to share a funny thing that happened yesterday, Easter Sunday.

My atheist of a husband, when I called him that morning, greeted me with a very cheerful at malutong na:
"Good morning, mahal! HAPPY EASTER!"

I stared at the phone for a while and then I went like "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???!" (imitating the infamous tone of one of Gru's little yellow minion from the computer-animated film Despicable Me).

Yes, because he won't even greet me Merry Christmas and now he's suddenly talking Easter! I didn't even know it was already Easter Sunday! LOL!

I almost asked him if he hit his head somewhere or was abducted by aliens but then he laughed out loud and said:

"So...where are my chocolates?"

Ahh... now there's the catch. Whew!!!

I was able to breath normally again. No matter the differences between my husband and I's belief, I adore him just as he is and would never dream of changing him. I can't help it, I love everything about him. Even the supposed to be imperfections become cute attractive things because they just add up to his appeal. Well, at least to me. Maybe because I just really love him so much. Maybe because he is so nice to me... To which he responds: "Naturally, because you're my wife." (and this totally gets me, every time. ^_^ ) 

I guess, though, on the other hand, that to those Jehova witnesses or Iglesya ni Kristo folks to whose faces he slammed the door before they could even finish a greeting, I'm probably talking gibberish. LOL! Siguro dapat sinermunan ko siya about it kasi it wasn't a very nice thing to do, kaso natatawa lang ako paano he actually enjoyed what he did. I must be crazy but there was just something so funny about that scene... something eccentrically funny about it despite the fact that it seems kinda evil...(he could have just NOT answered the door when they knocked. Instead he took pleasure in opening the door and slamming it close on their smiling faces.) I could almost imagine those people's  jaw-dropped shocked expression. xD Sigurado, 'yung mga nainsulto nang todo, may pa-emote pang pagpapagpag ng mga sandalyas nila paglabas nila ng gate. Haaaaaayyyy...

Oh well. That's about it. Inaantok na ko. Tapos na ang dear diary moments ko.
I'm about to crash in